First I’d like to go ahead and preface this by saying that I’ve heard almost all the comments and advice and anything else one might want to share with me in regards to my relationship. Really, I have heard it all, I promise. That being said I’m writing this to give some background on my relationship so that maybe anyone reading will have a better understanding and maybe I’ll be able to work through some things as well.
I met NCBF Dec 2005 (We’ll call him Scott for ease of typing). We first met online in November but didn’t meet until December. Now, I knew he was divorced almost a year prior and he had/has custody of his kids. I knew going in that he didn’t want anything serious but of course, naive and convinced I could show him otherwise I went into the whole shebang anyway. I hadn’t been in a relationship in years and was really lonely, I was also significantly overweight (more so than now) and my self esteem was shot. Not to say that if I had been skinnier or felt better about myself that I still wouldn’t have met him. Too many variables but I know these are contributing factors. He was amazing, funny, smart, good looking (a little hairy, but eh), and an overall sweet man. Again, it’s not to say that he’s still not these things…I guess the shiny new-ness of it all isn’t there anymore.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the “new” relaxed forms of relationships (open, polyamorous, etc) and even for me in the beginning the idea of being in an open relationship was strange. But in a way it allowed me to be in a relationship without fear of commitment and without the need to define anything. In the end, it allowed me to be as wishy washy about it as I wanted to and allowed me to ignore what I wanted (because I’m REALLY good at that). As a people pleaser it’s hard to stand up for yourself at times because you don’t want to make anyone mad or upset or sad or rock the boat in any way. That was me. So I jumped in and inserted myself into his life (or that’s how I viewed it). I eventually bought a house about a mile away from his…yes, I wanted to be closer but in the end I love my house so it’s okay.
So fast forward 8 years….I’ve helped raise his kids, we share dogs, we’ve gone on vacations, had knock down drag out fights (Scorpios with tempers), made up like crazy, broken each other’s hearts, shared tears and triumphs, adventures and been over all supportive of one another. But we’re still not officially a couple. And *whispers* I think I’m out growing this. I’ve tried to talk to him, put my line in the sand but I never follow through. I’ve attempted to date in the past couple of years and have even been toying with moving out of state. But all other relationship attempts have ended badly. I’ve been clear each time with Scott about what I want and while it seems like he doesn’t listen, it’s partially my fault for staying.
Now shoulda, woulda, coulda…nothing to be done about any of that now. There are things I wouldn’t have changed but quite a few that I wish I could. In the end I’m just a responsible for where I am as he is for keeping me around. Now I do love him, but I don’t know that I’m IN love with him anymore and there are times when I look at him and wonder how we got here. I see his pictures on FB and think about how happy he’ll look in those pictures and he rarely seems happy when he’s with me, which I don’t think really has anything to do with me. I’m definitely not happy about things and I certainly need to take action, that’s on me.
That’s as much as I can really share about it all. Again, I’ve heard all the negative comments, all the advice and all the judgments possible. One of the big things I’ve learned is to never judge someone else’s relationship…I’m not in it…