Last night I had a bit of a meltdown. At home. In bed. As I was trying to go to sleep. I knew this was coming. I’ve been feeling it for awhile. I knew this was why I’d been feeling so off kilter for quite some time.
Overwhelming thoughts about my race this weekend just pushed me over the edge.
I’m not ready. In no way shape or form am I ready for the races I have registered for this month. I won’t chicken out. I will crawl across those finish lines if that’s what it take because this bitch is way too stubborn (sidenote: as a child I once took a nap with a bite of potato salad in my mouth because I refused to actually eat it because I thought potato salad was gross. Yes, I am that stubborn and the only potato salad I ever eat is Walmart’s RED potato salad). Only a major injury would keep me out of the races.
So here’s the thing. I can barely run 2 miles. I can’t get all the way through 2 miles. Stuff just hurts too much and I’ve been slacking on yoga. I can make the swim but I’m at least 2 minutes slower than last year. I can do the 11 mile ride but I’ll be praying that adrenaline will get me through. See my inner monologue here. From what I know of some of my tri friends they aren’t so prepared either, which makes me feel a bit better but these tri friends complete half Ironmans…and ride 40 miles for fun…so, uh, even their slowest will out do me.
I need to be to 10K endurance by Labor Day. So I need to really ramp up my training. Bust out my favorite books of training workouts and start to follow them. Diligently. But now I train alone (Scott’s no longer interested). I have some friends I can train with but they all leave me in the dust (which is good and bad). I am seriously contemplating joining one of the Tri Teams just to have people to train with. Tough Cookies is my first choice but it’ll cut into Nighttime yoga so I’ll have to adjust my work schedule to get to day time yoga. What’s held me back in the past is the cost. $75 / month. In addition to the $47 / month I already pay for my gym membership. I’ll have to look at training times again, but I just don’t know. Plus I have this fear that I’ll be the slowest one there. It’s silly and it shouldn’t matter, especially since the reason I’m going is to improve. Maybe I’ll just sign up for the summer, which is the meat of the season anyway.
The other thing is that I’m heavier now than I was when I did my first race 5 years ago. That’s heartbreaking to me because I worked so hard to get from a size 22 to a size 12/14 and now I’m hovering around a size 16 again, thanks to almost a year and a half of nursing the ankle injury and giving up last season after the Pville Tri. I know it’ll come off again, some people have noticed already that I’ve lost some inches, but still. It’s hard and to some extent I feel like a failure. I don’t even know if my tri clothes will even fit on Sunday and I’m almost refusing to get a size larger. Even though I may need to. It took going to Scotland last fall and knowing that I needed comfortable jeans for me to hang my head and get a size larger.
So last night I burst into tears and had a pity party for myself. I let my thoughts get really really dark for about 10 minutes and then I made myself count out some things I’m thankful for. The furball laying on top of me purring away, my home and the fact that I can afford my own home, that I have a job and good health insurance, that I can compete in these races as there are those who cannot, that I have some wonderful, supportive and encouraging friends, the list can go on. In the end I still went to sleep sniffling but I got through my moment. I still feel wobbly about Sunday, but I know that I’ll get through it and that I’ll have some of my wonderful tri friends cheering me on…as I crawl through the finish…and promptly throw up.