It’s been a while. Too long really. Like, WAAAAAAAAAY too long. I’d catch you up but that would take forever. I’ll sum up. New Year(ish) and have decided on a clean slate. Personal posts have been moved to private because I’m moving on. On! On, I tell you!
So in the spirit of moving on I’m only focusing on now. And right now…well…ugh. I finished the triathlon season last year totally sick of triathlons (yes, I know we’re supposed to be moving on but bear with me). I started a running program with my Tough Cookies and planned on completing my first Half Marathon in January. Then something happened in December and my motivation went KAPUT. I stopped going to Body Pump for almost 2 months. I sporadically did my running work outs, being too tired for speed workouts on Wednesday, too everything for Monday runs but making it to the longer than hell runs on Saturdays. Pretty soon it was time to run the 3M Half Marathon. And I did it. And beat my goal time of 3:15 by 15 seconds. I couldn’t do the Austin Half because of prior plans (who the hell schedules a half marathon for the day after Valentine’s? We didn’t do anything romantic, dinner and the ballet). But even after 3M I had a hard time making it through my scheduled training runs.
Which then brings us to March…we registered and ran the Austin 10/20 (10 miles / 20 bands) and then (dun, dun dun!) Spring Triathlon Training started. I’m sorta kinda off the hook as far as training goes because I’m doing the Biggest Loser Half Marathon in 2.5 weeks, but the first Tri of the season is 1 week after the Half. OY.
My motivation is still kaput. My energy level is still kaput. I go back and forth with insomnia and overwhelming exhaustion. My weight has blown up to 40 lbs heavier than I was 5 years ago when I managed to finally get my weight down and was smaller than I’d been in YEARS and healthier (the weight issue started as an adult and is something I’ve been fighting for almost 15 years). And now for the life of me I can’t remember how the hell I did that. I certainly had much more determination and discipline. I also recall A LOT of anger going on then, so work outs were a way to manage it. I vaguely remember cutting carbs down and killing myself with training. Training twice a day in some cases. And LOVING every minute of it.
“You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’. Whooooooa, that lovin’ feelin’. You’ve lost that LOVIN’ feelin,’ now it’s gone, gone, gone…”
Lost. That. Lovin’. Feelin’. No more joy in pushing myself. No more love of the sport. No more motivation to bust my ass and improve. The pool makes me want to cry and throw up at the same time (I feel like a pregnant water buffalo). The bike…meh…imagine an elephant on a bike. The run…like Godzilla taking out Tokyo only not as much fun. It’s take almost 4-5 miles before the “runner’s high” and then exhaustion sets in again. I spend Saturdays after my work outs on my couch, too tired sometimes to shower.
But I must press on. My weight is really bothering me. I just feel uncomfortable. And clothes. Don’t get me started. Thank goodness I found Torrid. Now I don’t feel like I HAVE to wear yoga pants with everything anymore, I even found some adorable cut off shorts. But my boobs aren’t big enough for the plus sized tops (whole other set of shopping issues to be addressed at a later time).
I’ve been trying to cut calories, track my calorie intake, eat better, blah, blah, blah. But I just feel like shit even more, especially when I want something that’s not healthy (hello Burger King double cheeseburger and Cadbury Mini Eggs). I was reading Matthew Inman (aka The Oatmeal) about The Blerch and how he quit focusing on food and weight and just ran. For the sake of running and the weight sorted itself out. Even though he still doesn’t eat well. Then I was reading Jen Lancaster (love you, Jen!) on FB talking about how she’s lost weight. By focusing on being healthy, addressing all aspects of her weight and focusing on her work out goals as opposed to counting calories and obsessing over portion sizes. Although she did learn more about nutrition and did some work on her emotional eating habits and possibly used a prescription appetite suppressant. BUT that’s not the point! They did it. By focusing elsewhere.
Trouble is I know stuff about nutrition and to quote The Oatmeal, my inner Blerch just won’t let me be. Craving pizza? Let’s eat a whole small one with all the goodies on top! Craving cheese and crackers? Let’s eat the entire container meant to be put out at parties. And if there’s been any alcohol? Holy crap, hide your ice cream! Because I will cut a bitch for some Haagen Dasz peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. It’s sad, but it’s true. I’m a snacking drinker…or a bored eater…and an emotional eater…or all of them at once (fuck you PMS).
But anyway. That’s where I’m at today. Right now. I have hopes…and dreams. Right now I’m just trying to reestablish my love of my sports. Get the motivation and fire going inside. It’s likely I’ll take next year off and focus on running and cycling. Especially if I can manage to get a Half Ironman finally done this fall. Time will tell. Meanwhile, enjoy introducing yourself to The Oatmeal and Jen Lancaster.
Peace out, yo!