I realized last night as I sat on the couch attempting to enjoy a nice cup of Chamomile tea that I am not happy. Even surrounded by loving puppies and holding a nice cup of tea while watching Brad Williams doing stand up (BRILLIANT). My laughter was forced, the dogs felt clingy, my HEB generic tea was not nearly as fulfilling as Tazo’s brand is, I was a grump. It dawned on me this morning as I attempted to put on my bike kit and get a ride in before Tropical Storm Bill pisses all over central Texas that I am really depressed. There’s no sun. There’s rain (I totally hate to ride in the rain so I didn’t end up going). There’s clouds. There’s my boss who’s driving me batshit crazy so I have to stop what I’m doing every hour to answer her inane questions that piss me off even more.
I’m turning into a little ball of hate.
Or I’m having the world’s worst PMS again…early…
I probably would be happier if I would have made myself go ride. But that wasn’t happening and if I did it would rain harder and flood while I was riding. I live around a bunch of creeks that have flooded in the past resulting in at least 2 water rescues and 1 death. I’d really rather not deal with that, thank you very much. So instead I’ll go to the gym. Where a pool work out will most likely turn this little ball of hate into a wet little ball of hate. I’m hoping for a better mood after I go to Body Pump. Usually that will help.
This is one of those depressed moods where not only do I want to punch happy people (it’s malicious jealousy) but I’m also re-evaluating every decision I’ve made for the past 10 years. I think part of that is because some of my friends may or may not have gotten married in Vegas last night. I think it’s a joke, honestly I really hope it is. Not that they aren’t good together, it’s just…well…I don’t know. It’s not that I necessarily want to get married even. One of my best friends and her boyfriend are trying to get pregnant. (Ever notice how awkward THAT conversation is? “We’re trying to get pregnant.” “Oh, good for you! Thanks for sharing about all the sex you’re having.”) Again, not that I necessarily want children, but there’s a part of me that goes, “Oh. Oh shit. Did we miss something? Am I too late?”
In reality I’m not…but is it too late to find someone, get married and get knocked up? These eggs do have a shelf life and I’m not used to living with another person so maybe it’s just not for me.
So today I miss being happy. I miss not caring about any of that shit and being able to focus on what I wanted. I miss the drive and discipline I had once upon a time that pushed me to the pool no matter how much I loathed going. That didn’t care what the weather was going to do, I’m going to ride anyway!
Today, I miss me.