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Today I Miss Being Happy

Published June 16, 2015 by Tritrigirl

I realized last night as I sat on the couch attempting to enjoy a nice cup of Chamomile tea that I am not happy.  Even surrounded by loving puppies and holding a nice cup of tea while watching Brad Williams doing stand up (BRILLIANT). My laughter was forced, the dogs felt clingy, my HEB generic tea was not nearly as fulfilling as Tazo’s brand is, I was a grump.  It dawned on me this morning as I attempted to put on my bike kit and get a ride in before Tropical Storm Bill pisses all over central Texas that I am really depressed.  There’s no sun.  There’s rain (I totally hate to ride in the rain so I didn’t end up going).  There’s clouds.  There’s my boss who’s driving me batshit crazy so I have to stop what I’m doing every hour to answer her inane questions that piss me off even more.

I’m turning into a little ball of hate.

Or I’m having the world’s worst PMS again…early…

I probably would be happier if I would have made myself go ride.  But that wasn’t happening and if I did it would rain harder and flood while I was riding.  I live around a bunch of creeks that have flooded in the past resulting in at least 2 water rescues and 1 death.  I’d really rather not deal with that, thank you very much.  So instead I’ll go to the gym.  Where a pool work out will most likely turn this little ball of hate into a wet little ball of hate.  I’m hoping for a better mood after I go to Body Pump.  Usually that will help.

This is one of those depressed moods where not only do I want to punch happy people (it’s malicious jealousy) but I’m also re-evaluating every decision I’ve made for the past 10 years.  I think part of that is because some of my friends may or may not have gotten married in Vegas last night.  I think it’s a joke, honestly I really hope it is.  Not that they aren’t good together, it’s just…well…I don’t know.  It’s not that I necessarily want to get married even.  One of my best friends and her boyfriend are trying to get pregnant.  (Ever notice how awkward THAT conversation is?  “We’re trying to get pregnant.” “Oh, good for you!  Thanks for sharing about all the sex you’re having.”)  Again, not that I necessarily want children, but there’s a part of me that goes, “Oh.  Oh shit.  Did we miss something?  Am I too late?”

In reality I’m not…but is it too late to find someone, get married and get knocked up?  These eggs do have a shelf life and I’m not used to living with another person so maybe it’s just not for me.

So today I miss being happy.  I miss not caring about any of that shit and being able to focus on what I wanted.  I miss the drive and discipline I had once upon a time that pushed me to the pool no matter how much I loathed going.  That didn’t care what the weather was going to do, I’m going to ride anyway!

Today, I miss me.

Sometimes you just gotta read it…then remind yourself it’s not worth it

Published May 20, 2015 by Tritrigirl

I’d previously decided that I would refrain from posting about my love life or what have you for various reasons I no longer care to number.

Basically the gist is Scott’s oldest started making some really really bad decisions last fall that culminated in stealing Scott’s Harley and wrecking it before school and ending the school year suspended for 2 knives and an e-cigarette.  He claimed to not know about the knives but was caught while showing them off.  He claimed to have NO idea what the e-cigarette was but his FB messages indicate he paid someone $40 to get it for him.  Things were not good.  Someone was in big trouble.  Someone got snotty and tried to walk away and Scott grabbed him to keep him from leaving the room.  He let go immediately, but I got between them anyway because I was concerned and wasn’t going to let anything escalate further.  It terrified French Fry, Scott was furious.  I did what I knew to do.  Remove people from one another’s presence.  I sent Scott away, took French Fry upstairs had him get changed (he’d run home in the rain) and after attempting to talk to him sent him to bed for the rest of the afternoon.  The Tater boys go to their mom’s for Christmas.

2 days before Christmas while I’m in Idaho and Scott’s out hunting we get calls that he’s being investigated by CPS for choking French Fry.  THIS DID NOT HAPPEN.  Tater Tot comes home after Christmas but French Fry does not per CPS.  Scott’s Ex (We’ll call her Oz since she likes to use her second married name when it suits her) petitioned for custody of both boys and a host of other crap.  She gives him an iPhone, she gives him freedom, so he steals cars, he steals money, he starts to fail classes, gets in a fight, life goes on.  They go to mediation after Spring Break.  She doesn’t get custody, he tells her that Tater Tot is not negotiable, she goes for that but now we’re going to therapy (not a biggie), French Fry starts to come back every other weekend.  She puts French Fry on medication without consulting Scott.  Per the divorce decree she’s not supposed to do this.  French Fry goes on to get suspended 2 more times, fails classes, ends up becoming so combative and aggressive with her, her parents and Tater Tot that Oz calls us to come pick French Fry because he’s gone apeshit and she’s scared of him.

Things continued to go downhill, ending up with French Fry spending the night at the Juvenile Hall and then eventually being admitted for 1 week of inpatient care.  During this time Oz becomes amenable to working together for French Fry as it should have been all along, she’s open with what’s going on, etc.  Then he gets discharged…and things change back to where they were before.  She’s claimed Scott’s abusive and was abusive to her and French Fry, she’s blamed him repeatedly for French Fry’s emotional and mental state (despite earlier admitting to having NO idea why he blames his Dad).  The kid’s medicated, but those of us who’ve been down this road know that it’s not over.  Far from it.  In the end the court psychologist cancelled mediation stating at this time she does not have enough information to determine whether French Fry should officially stay with his mom or come back to his dad.  I think permanent changes to his living situation right now would not be helpful.  We need to get him stable.  We need to band together.  Work together.  He needs to know and see that differences are being set aside to take care of HIM.

The past few days have tested my patience.  I’ve witnessed what it appeared to be Oz doing French Fry’s homework at Tater Tot’s swim meet.  Work has been such a beast for the past week that I end each day by throwing something in my office and am in tears every other day.  Oz took French Fry to see Pitch Perfect 2 when he didn’t care about going and Tater Tot has been counting the days until it would come out.  (Scott took him to see it) French Fry told on his brother to his mother during their nightly check in instead of telling his Dad that there was an altercation…which went like this:

FF: “Shut up or I’ll shove you.”

TT: “Do it.”

FF shoved him and TT retaliated by whipping him with a phone charger.  Does Oz give a shit that TT was shoved?  Nope.  All she cares about is that it appears FF was injured for no reason.  She doesn’t think about how any of this is affecting TT or that her adversarial actions towards Scott are hurting both kids.  She subscribes to the idea that things “just happen” to FF.  He chooses to steal and wreck a Harley….oh, that’s not his fault and doesn’t need to be held accountable.  He’s threatened to hurt his brother multiple times when TT has been over there and when Scott’s followed up she’s stated that she doesn’t know anything about it.  Sure FF’s remorseful, after he gets in trouble, but he doesn’t think about what he’s doing before he does it.

The kid’s got issues, we know, we’re trying to help, but finger pointing and blaming isn’t helping.  Yes, circumstances may have led him to make certain decisions, but he always had that moment where he could have stopped and said, “You know this is a huge mistake, I probably shouldn’t do this.”  But he doesn’t and he’ll never learn if we don’t hold him accountable.  All in all could things have been handled differently?  Possibly.  Are they now?  Absolutely.  Lesson learned.

Today I found Oz’s blog about what an amazing Mommy she is and how she’s sacrificed so much for her kids.  It makes me want to punch in her in the throat.  She’s toxic.  She’s using her son as a pawn to screw up her ex-husband’s life under the guise of caring.  If she cared so much why is she solely focusing on one kid and leaving the other one out?  If she thinks he’s so abusive why doesn’t she have Tater Tot?  If my kids told me my ex was abusive there’s no way in HELL that I’d let my kids near him.  I know it’s not that simple but you can be damn sure I’d put everything into making sure they wouldn’t be with him.  I’m sure she thinks she’s doing the right thing, I’m sure she’s convinced herself of it and I’m aware that I’m a little too close to the situation to be properly objective and I know the “system” is broken.  According to her blog she’s the poster single mother even with her faults.

I’ve never particularly liked her and I’m sure she doesn’t particularly like me.  (and I don’t give a shit if she does or not) But I was so impressed by her willingness to work together to get FF the helps he needs and to re-establish a relationship between father and son.  But in her blog she claims FF hates his dad….which is interesting given that they have had some wonderful times together since he’s been coming back.  Sure it’s not perfect.  No home life ever is.  But reading her blog…it took everything I had not to email her directly or comment on it.

But…In the end…it’s not worth it.

New Doctors….

Published May 1, 2015 by Tritrigirl

Today I’m going to see my new psychiatrist.  My insurance changed at the first of the year so I had to switch.  Not that I was terribly attached to the last one, as I’d only met her once and she was my third psychiatrist at office in 2 years.  I had an okay rapport with my first two psychiatrists over there too.  But again, not terribly attached.  I did like me therapist and sadly I will have to either pay out of network for him or find a new one.  The office I was going to was on of those one-stop-shops kinda places.  Therapist and Psychiatrist in one place, sharing notes in the server so everyone was aware of what was going on.  Easy peasy.  But now I’ve moved onto the “only if you need it” for therapy and I haven’t been in a long time.  Not that I probably don’t NEED it, I just haven’t felt like I needed it.  I seem to be doing all right.

But I hate switching doctors.  You hash through your medical history, your psychiatric history, family history, they ask you a million questions, all the while I’m internally saying “don’t commit me, don’t commit me.”  Not that they would.  I’m not a danger to myself or anyone else…unless you are pizza or macaroni and cheese or cadbury mini-eggs, then I’m a danger to you.  I have no intentions of being a danger to myself or anyone else.  I don’t even have the energy for yelling at traffic right now (been sick with allergies).  And really I am in a good place.  But I always feel like I have to convince the next doctor of that.  I’m in a good place.  What I’m taking is working for me….let’s just stick with it.  No reinventing the wheel.

So anyway, that’s what’s on my mind right now and I thought I should share.

Have a race Sunday.  Been sick from allergies and working on a sinus infection so I’m not really sure if I WILL race.  I’ll be there regardless.  I’ll volunteer.  But it hurts my sinuses and ears if I bend over…and I’m all fuzzy headed.  UGH.  I have no time to be sick.  It’s gorgeous outside and I’ve got so many things I’d like to do and I’ve missed out on A LOT of workouts this week.  ARGH.

Happy Friday.

“The Story”

Published February 18, 2014 by Tritrigirl

First I’d like to go ahead and preface this by saying that I’ve heard almost all the comments and advice and anything else one might want to share with me in regards to my relationship.  Really, I have heard it all, I promise.  That being said I’m writing this to give some background on my relationship so that maybe anyone reading will have a better understanding and maybe I’ll be able to work through some things as well.

I met NCBF Dec 2005 (We’ll call him Scott for ease of typing).  We first met online in November but didn’t meet until December.  Now, I knew he was divorced almost a year prior and he had/has custody of his kids.  I knew going in that he didn’t want anything serious but of course, naive and convinced I could show him otherwise I went into the whole shebang anyway.  I hadn’t been in a relationship in years and was really lonely, I was also significantly overweight (more so than now) and my self esteem was shot.  Not to say that if I had been skinnier or felt better about myself that I still wouldn’t have met him.  Too many variables but I know these are contributing factors.  He was amazing, funny, smart, good looking (a little hairy, but eh), and an overall sweet man.  Again, it’s not to say that he’s still not these things…I guess the shiny new-ness of it all isn’t there anymore.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the “new” relaxed forms of relationships (open, polyamorous, etc) and even for me in the beginning the idea of being in an open relationship was strange.  But in a way it allowed me to be in a relationship without fear of commitment and without the need to define anything.  In the end, it allowed me to be as wishy washy about it as I wanted to and allowed me to ignore what I wanted (because I’m REALLY good at that).  As a people pleaser it’s hard to stand up for yourself at times because you don’t want to make anyone mad or upset or sad or rock the boat in any way.  That was me.  So I jumped in and inserted myself into his life (or that’s how I viewed it).  I eventually bought a house about a mile away from his…yes, I wanted to be closer but in the end I love my house so it’s okay.

So fast forward 8 years….I’ve helped raise his kids, we share dogs, we’ve gone on vacations, had knock down drag out fights (Scorpios with tempers), made up like crazy, broken each other’s hearts, shared tears and triumphs, adventures and been over all supportive of one another.  But we’re still not officially a couple.  And *whispers* I think I’m out growing this.  I’ve tried to talk to him, put my line in the sand but I never follow through.  I’ve attempted to date in the past couple of years and have even been toying with moving out of state.  But all other relationship attempts have ended badly.  I’ve been clear each time with Scott about what I want and while it seems like he doesn’t listen, it’s partially my fault for staying.

Now shoulda, woulda, coulda…nothing to be done about any of that now.  There are things I wouldn’t have changed but quite a few that I wish I could.  In the end I’m just a responsible for where I am as he is for keeping me around.  Now I do love him, but I don’t know that I’m IN love with him anymore and there are times when I look at him and wonder how we got here.  I see his pictures on FB and think about how happy he’ll look in those pictures and he rarely seems happy when he’s with me, which I don’t think really has anything to do with me.  I’m definitely not happy about things and I certainly need to take action, that’s on me.

That’s as much as I can really share about it all.  Again, I’ve heard all the negative comments, all the advice and all the judgments possible.  One of the big things I’ve learned is to never judge someone else’s relationship…I’m not in it…