Starting the 3rd week of Pain

Seriously…this is the start of the 3rd week of 6 days a week workouts.  Dude, this shit is hard.  It’s not the hardest that I’ve ever put myself through, I recall forcing myself through 2 a day workouts 2-3 times a week for a few months getting ready for Tri season, but honestly I started the year out a little slow on the work out front and managed to get through my half marathons on stubbornness and power of will.

My team is in Tri training.  My coach had kinda left us runners out in the cold, er, humidity.  They’re running on Sundays, but I think I’ve whined about that enough for now.  I paid a friend, who’s  a certified coach, to put together a training plan for me to be half marathon ready in September.  But I’ve essentially had to start over.  I run Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday.  Wednesday she throws in exercises with the sprint workouts that I don’t do.  Why?  Because I lift Tuesdays and Thursdays and do Pilates on Wednesdays. Sure more squats and crunches wouldn’t hurt, but….no thank you.

Needless to say I’ve been fucking tired.  Like BONE tired.  I need more sleep.  I even tried to go to bed early last night but didn’t fall asleep until midnight.  Waking up early this morning was hard to do.  I downloaded The Rock Clock.  Pretty entertaining.  If you need some serious motivation in the mornings check it out.  Not only does the Rock sing to you, but there’s a motivational message for the day.  Kinda like, get your ass up, your competition isn’t hitting snooze, you shouldn’t hit snooze, carpe fucking diem.

In other news I found this and my mom is going to make me a throw pillow because…well…because:

Need Need Need – Etsy Store CarsonZickersham

Chick Flicks…

Last night I watched Twilight: New Moon, 27 Dresses and Knocked Up.  DON’T JUDGE ME, it was late at night and I couldn’t sleep.  Really I watched all of them at the same time, flipping channel when I got bored.  Sunday night was better…watched Gamer, Babylon A.D. and Max Payne.  More or less back to back.  I was exhausted and didn’t feel like doing anything and didn’t really have anything I needed to do, except laundry.

But anyway, about last night….sometimes I get so frustrated with “chick flicks” they rarely reflect real life and have this phenomenal ability to make me feel like shit.  Although How to be Single was pretty good.  She didn’t end up with any guy at the end, but instead met her goal of hiking a mountain somewhere.  Much better I think, and yet, as much as I hate the feelings of self-loathing and disappointment at the end of a chick flick I am inevitably attracted to them.

There’s something about the story line that never really changes that still draws me in.  Girl meets guy, he usually annoys her or she’s in love with someone else or he’s in love with someone else first, then shit happens and more shit happens and they realize that they’re really in love and live happily ever after.  I mean, what little girl at heart doesn’t drool over this idea?  Well, some don’t, but there’s the idea ingrained into most of our brains that this is exactly what we’re supposed to want.  Not unlike Mila Kunis says in Friends with Benefits, “SHUT UP KATHERINE HEIGL, YOU LITTLE LIAR!”  Although there’s ANOTHER movie with the same damn story line.

Here’s what gets me….did I miss my window?  When I see movies like Knocked Up and think about the fact that really, women are meant to have babies in their 20’s when they’ve got the energy of an energizer bunny, but don’t always have their shit together. Now women are having babies in their 30s and 40s when we have our shit together more or less, we’re stable, craziness of our 20s out of our systems.  When we have careers and sometimes have partners, who also typically have their shit together and are stable.

But here I am, 36 1/2 no babies (human ones anyway), not married, but in a long term open-ish relationship for over 10 years, with no plans for change in the foreseeable future.  We’ve discussed moving in together, but I really don’t think that will happen any time soon.  He doesn’t want to have any more children (his are 13 and 16), I don’t know if I honestly want to have them or if I just tell myself that because it’s not going to happen with him.  Sometimes I feel like I’m married and it’s not anything like I would have thought it would be.  I know marriage isn’t all fairy tales and it isn’t easy all the time, but still.

I spent most of my 20s afraid and depressed, blaming myself for my ex’s infidelity and believing that it was my fault.  Then I met Scott and he awesome, but didn’t want anything serious and this came with a whole host of drama and territory I was unfamiliar with.  In the end things settled down and we’re where we’re at now.  In a rut.  We don’t have sex.  We rarely touch, I can spend the night over there and I might as well have stayed at my own house.  Being lonely when you’re with someone is the worst form of loneliness.  I’d rather be alone.  I could leave and I have considered it, but then I’d really be alone.  I don’t have a lot of friends and I feel like I have virtually no support system without him.  That wasn’t by anyone’s design, it just happened.

I used to travel 80% of the time for work and when I was home I worked from home (still do) so no office, no social life, no friends.  And it’s harder to make friends as an adult when you don’t go to school or to an office.  Sure I go to the gym and I’ve sort of gotten to know some of the ladies in my classes, but no one I’d go out to dinner with or hang out with.  Most of them are married and have kids.  My best friend is a stay at home mom and we don’t see each other often.  My other best friend has a kid, a fiancee and is trying to open her own salon.  I joined a women’s triathlon / running team in hopes of making more friends and I have, but most of them are married and have kids.  When you’re more or less single and don’t have kids these people are hard to really relate to.

As for meeting other guys…ugh.  Online dating sucks.  It’s virtually impossible to meet guys organically any more.  I have very few single friends and most of us have too much shit going on that we don’t go out or if we do it’s to someone’s house and not OUT, out.  I’ve grown out of the “let’s go to the bar and meet guys” mentality, although there are nights when I wish I had the ovaries to do that again.

You know what I miss?  That newness of a relationship, when you’re giddy with butterflies, can’t wait to hear from or see that person, the excitement, can’t keep your hands to yourself-ness, the passion, all that good shit.  I wonder if I’ll ever have it again or if it’s all over for me.  I’m not ready to leave Scott.  There’s too much of our lives intertwined.  Not unlike a marriage.

But I dream of it.  Holy shit do I literally dream of it.  Some mornings I wake up sad that it wasn’t real.  So I guess that’s why I’m drawn to a good cheesy chick flick.  Let me get my fix of what I’m missing, let me believe for a moment that it is possible…even though it’s almost always Katherine Heigl.  Sometimes it’s worth the self loathing and sadness I feel after.  Sometimes it makes me too introspective for my own good.  Like today.  I wish I could come up with something witty and funny, but I’m all out of witty and funny any it’s barely 12:30 pm.

Is there something you worry you’ve missed out on?  Are we too late?

Finished the First 4 Weeks

First 4 weeks of WW completed.  So far I have allegedly lost 11 pounds.  I saw allegedly because I have not idea where I lost it from.  Nothing fits differently.  Still wearing the same size clothes, but the scale says I’ve lost 11.  Until clothes start fitting looser I’m a bit skeptical.

I can say that I’m definitely getting stronger.  I’m noticing that in my classes for sure.  So perhaps that’s part of it.  Who knows.

Yesterday was the first triathlon of the season and I was there to volunteer.  I didn’t miss competing at all.  Nope.  It was windy, the lake was super choppy, they’ve been doing construction on one of the main roads the bike portion is on and the shoulder was covered in debris plus the road itself wasn’t in good shape.  Nope, didn’t miss it AT ALL.  Strangely enough, you can get sore from clapping your hands for long periods of time.  Like about 3 hours.  I stood for about 4 hours and clapped for about 3.  But I tried to be funny and cheer people up while I cheered them on.  I’d like to think I helped some when they were having a tough time.

I was officially promoted as of yesterday (the 1st).  Nothing changes in responsibilities, just leveled up if you will.  And more money.  Can’t argue with more money for the same responsibilities.

Started over from scratch with my running program. My team has gone onto Triathlon training and only running on Sundays.  I like my Saturday workouts and I don’t really want to go to Sunday work outs.  I’m trying to come up with a compromise.  I’m going to want to work out on Saturdays anyway.  I was considering going to some of the triathlon workout for variety and besides I end up missing the team,  but I’m not racing.  The girl I usually run on Saturdays with isn’t going to run anymore.  So I’m on my own.  I can have my run work outs switched to my long runs on Sundays to run with the group, but I just don’t know.

I’ll sort it all out after I come back from VA on the 15th.

Have a great Monday.